You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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