If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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