she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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