just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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