Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
