Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
