shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
