my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
