these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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