I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
