he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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