1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..