Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂