i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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