dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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