.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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