Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
