i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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