I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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