I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
