New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
