I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
