Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
