My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?