my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.