you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just found a bag of teeth...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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