sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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