i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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