i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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