I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
