dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
