can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
