I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
