while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
