I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store