i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
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Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing