You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
