Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.