When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
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he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that