i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
