I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
