I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
