why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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