it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
