sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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