it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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