I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
