More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
