She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
