forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
