I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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