I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
