take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
