I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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