Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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