The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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