He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
