yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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