They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
