He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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