before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
